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Breaking Free: Ditching People Pleasing for Authentic Living

Are you caught in the cycle of people pleasing?

Do you find yourself agreeing to things you'd rather decline?

Does the fear of rejection loom over you when you consider saying no?

If these questions strike a chord, you might be a people pleaser.

This tendency often stems from various sources:

1. Insecurities

2. A desire to be liked

3. Fear of abandonment

4. Feelings of being uncared for or unloved

5. Concerns about facing punishment or negative outcomes for not meeting others' expectations

One approach to breaking free from people pleasing is to reconsider the traditional mindset of Do-Have-Be. I was introduced to this idea by mindset coach, Thais Green.

Typically, it's framed like this: if I do certain things, then I'll have what I want, and finally, I'll be the person I aspire to be. In the context of people pleasing, it translates to doing things for others in hopes of gaining their love and acceptance, believing that this will provide the security we crave.


But what if we flipped this paradigm to Be-Have-Do? Instead of focusing on what we do to earn acceptance, let's first define who we want to be. Rather than defining ourselves by our flaws or others' perceptions, let's identify our values. For instance, if we value relationships, we might affirm, "I am a good friend, partner, mom, daughter, etc," and then list the actions that support this identity.


What else do you value? Perhaps it's beauty or connection with nature. Reflect on activities or behaviors that align with these values. Do you spend time outdoors, engage in creative pursuits, or cultivate a garden? By acknowledging our values and the corresponding evidence in our lives, we can establish a solid foundation for authenticity.


Next comes the "Do" stage. Once we've clarified who we want to be and identified the actions that reflect our values, we can actively engage in those behaviors. This shift from external validation to internal alignment fosters authenticity and fulfillment.


While caring for others may align with our values, people pleasing operates from a place of fear — fear of rejection or abandonment. Overcoming this pattern isn't easy, but it starts with recognizing why we feel compelled to please others and assessing how that aligns with our true selves.


Coaching can be a valuable resource on this journey of self-discovery and transformation. Working with a coach can help uncover your core values and align your actions with your authentic self. Remember, the first step toward lasting change is reaching out. Let's start this journey together. Let's connect.

You can also download my free eBook on connecting to your values: How Your Values Reflect Your Life’s Purpose.


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