Shifting Your Frame of Reference: The Secret to Letting Go of What Doesn’t Belong to You

One of the most powerful ideas I’ve come across recently is something Lisa Bilyeu shared in Mel Robbins’ the Let Them Theory: the concept of a frame of reference.

Here’s the gist: each of us views the world through our own frame. Our experiences, upbringing, beliefs, wounds, and values create the lens we look through. That means the way someone sees you—whether they admire you, criticize you, misunderstand you, or even reject you—has far more to do with their frame than it does with your actual worth.

Why Frames of Reference Matter

Think of it like wearing sunglasses. If someone’s lenses are tinted blue, the whole world looks blue. If yours are tinted green, the same world looks green. Neither is “wrong”—they’re just different perspectives shaped by the glasses being worn.

In relationships, this plays out all the time:

• A boss criticizes your work harshly—not because you’re incompetent, but because their frame of reference is perfectionism.

• A family member disapproves of your choices—not because your choices are bad, but because their frame is fear or control.

• A friend celebrates your success more than you do—because their frame is rooted in joy and abundance.

When you understand this, you stop taking everything so personally. Other people’s opinions and reactions are simply reflections of the glasses they’re wearing.

The Hidden Frame of Trauma

But here’s where it gets even deeper. Our frames are not just shaped by other people—they’re also shaped by the wounds we carry, especially from trauma.

• Big “T” traumas—such as abuse, betrayal, or abandonment—can plant harsh, critical lenses that whisper: You’re not safe. You’re not worthy.

• Little “t” traumas—like constant criticism, being ignored, or growing up walking on eggshells—can create subtler but equally powerful frames that say: Keep the peace. Don’t upset anyone. You must earn love.

When we carry these lenses, we may not only internalize other people’s frames—we may turn them inward. We see ourselves through the filter of self-criticism, fear, or shame.

For people-pleasers, this becomes a trap:

• If someone is upset, you assume it’s your fault.

• If someone criticizes you, you assume it must be true.

• If someone doesn’t approve, you assume you need to change.

Living inside these frames pulls you further away from your own truth. You start shrinking, second-guessing, and over-giving—hoping that if you just align with their lens, or silence your own, you’ll finally be safe or loved.

But here’s the reality: no matter how much you adjust, you’ll never control someone else’s frame. And the critical lens trauma handed you isn’t the truth either.

Choosing Your Own Frame

Here’s where The Let Them Theory comes alive. Instead of twisting yourself to fit into someone else’s lens—or staying trapped in the one trauma handed you—you can say:

• Let them see it that way.

• Let them have their opinion.

• Let my old critical voice keep talking if it must… but I don’t have to live inside it anymore.

That’s not cold or dismissive, it’s actually deeply freeing. Because it allows you to return to your own frame of reference, where your values, truth, and self-worth reside.

How to Practice This in Daily Life

1. Notice the Frame

   The next time someone criticizes, questions, or praises you, pause and ask: Is this really about me, or about the lens they’re looking through?

   
   

2. Reclaim Your Own Lens

   Remind yourself: I don’t need to see myself through their glasses—or my trauma’s old lens. I have my own frame, and I get to decide what’s true about me.

   
   

3. Release the Pressure

   Instead of working to change someone else’s perspective, practice letting them keep it. Say to yourself: That’s their frame. Mine is different—and that’s okay.

   
   

4. Strengthen Your Own Reference Point

   Journal, meditate, or affirm your values. The stronger your own lens becomes, the less likely you are to be pulled into someone else’s.

A New Kind of Freedom

When you embrace this idea, you realize you don’t have to exhaust yourself trying to explain, justify, or convince others to see things your way. Their frame is theirs; yours is yours.

And the same goes for the critical lens trauma left behind—it may still exist, but it no longer has to define your truth.

The freedom comes in knowing that someone else’s reaction is rarely the whole truth about you, it’s just a snapshot through their particular lens. And you always get to choose: will I live inside their frame, my trauma’s old lens, or stay grounded in my own?

Reflection Question

Think of a time when someone’s reaction—or even your own inner critic—left you feeling small, guilty, or unsure of yourself. Looking back, can you see how their frame of reference (or the one trauma handed you) influenced that moment? What changes if you stop carrying their lens and return to your own?

When you shift your frame of reference, you stop chasing approval and start living in alignment with who you really are. And that’s where real confidence—and real healing—begin.